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Jesus Christ signs with the Crimson Tide.

May 1, 2014

A lot of people have had questions this year about the Crimson Tide's football team. With a lot of underclassmen leaving early for the draft and several off-the-field issues the Tide’s entire roster is in question. Even with yet another #1 recruiting class by Nick Saban and the boys it’s tough to throw youth into the SEC and expect them to prosper. With their most recent signing, it might make some people believers. 


Thursday morning Nick Saban was eating an oatmeal cake and got a call he didn’t expect but had prayed for. Jesus Christ a 6'2, 215 pound savior has decided he is taking his almighty power to Alabama. "I didn’t even know he was still available," said Nick Saban. We don’t have any tape on Jesus, but the stats on this guy are amazing and could put any coach in heaven.


When asking Saban about what position he thinks Jesus could play and if he will start, he says, "Well obviously he is a great player, but on my team it matters about how you come in and practice every single day and work to get better, and those are the people we put on the field. I don’t know if he will play offense or defense but we could really use some miracles on both sides of the ball." Lane Kiffin said, "We are gonna have him throwing or catching the ball every play." When we asked Kiffin about running the ball he said, "Oh, yeah, I forgot we do that."


One of the reasons Jesus chose Alabama is because they pray more than any other city in Alabama, and all there is in Tuscaloosa is apartments and churches. Also we were able to figure out that Jesus’s dad is a huge fan of the Crimson Tide. As heard several times by famous Alabama announcer Eli Gold saying, “The man upstairs was wearing houndstooth on that play." We asked Jesus what was his favorite part about being in Tuscaloosa. "Taco Casa," he said. When asking fans on the street about the signing everyone had the same remark, "Roll Tide, Amen." We also asked Jesus did he ever consider going to Auburn. He said, "When hell freezes over."




this is a satire/parody post.

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