It's my birthday, I hate birthdays. Not birthdays in general, just mine. I'm still gonna go out and get drunk and get laid by some girl who got free tickets to my show because she's an Aries. Everyone does that, I think it's because everyone feels the way I do about birthdays and just won't admit it. Every year in March that 8 turns into a 9 I get pictures from family and then relatives I've long forgotten. All pictures of me as a child, and i'm smiling in all of them. Is it okay to be jealous of who you once were? Just 8a.m camera in my face happy, I wasn't concerned with what life was then I guess.
It's not the typical reasons of bills and girlfriends, that stuff doesn't hit me as hard. It's just my life back then was more pure. I loved everyone I met with passion, I can't tell you the last time I really loved a girl with everything I had. I mean that love that shakes you to your core, I think thats why my nieces and nephews were such a shock to me because I love them like that. Please don't let this come across as me saying my childhood was perfect by any means. I had a typical childhood of a lower middle class kid growing up in the late 90's. I never got beat but I also wasn't singing church songs in the car with my family.
My life wasn't perfect as a child, but in the pictures it is. Now i've grown so old that I can't remember the memories in the photos which is the hardest part. Why have I let myself forget the times that mean the most to me? I would trade my last year to remember that day at the zoo with my family. I used to could look at a photo and tell you that whole trip, the honeysuckle that flavored the air, sun burning down on my neck, but not anymore. Now I look at photos and make up stories of what I would have wanted that day to go like.
Looking at the photos make's me wonder where I changed, or where the world changed me. I can't pin down a year or a stage, but you can tell as the photos get older the smile changes. You don't see the same person driving anymore, which is terrifying if you're the guy in the car. I think that's why I hate smiling in pictures now because I feel like I'm putting on a mask. It's not that I'm not happy, I'm very happy, my career is moving at a pace ahead of where it should be, I'm extremely happy. Look at me trying to convince you I'm happy, by trying to convince myself.
I can't control my emotions when I look at the photos, I cry anytime i see a photo of me from 93-03. That was before my parents divorce maybe that's it. I never liked my dad, even when they were together me and him never were close. Him and my mom used to fight because the sky was blue. It was just yelling but i'm a pussy, I hate confrontation. My older sister would take us in my room and we would sit there and try not to hear it. I remember it used to scare me a lot so i'd hide under my bed. After hiding so many times I put a blanket under there and my pillow, and it actually became my favorite spot. I would get under there and be so tight and surrounded and feel so safe, as if no one could touch me. I think thats why I liked sleeping on the small bunks in the tour bus so much because its a small confined space and no one can get me.
The greatest part though is that in the photo's, no of that shows. It's like being able to watch a movie where it only shows your favorite parts. I can't change the pictures or the stories behind them, even what I make up about the pictures will never feel real for me. I just have to enjoy them for what they are, which is the past. Which no matter how many times I get on tv or how much money I make won't change. They will forever haunt me, haunting doesn't have to be bad it just means I won't forget, and I don't want to. I just want to look back in 20 years at pictures now, and talk about the way I smiled in the photos I take today.